Thursday, September 27, 2012

Runaways

The emotional roller coaster you go on during a deployment is absolutely ridiculous, and I have to say it peaks when you hit that 11 month mark. I was starting to feel very very anxious. I would randomly just break down and cry without even realizing it. I literally felt like I was suffocating. I thought for sure I hit my limit and was going to break at any second. Then throw in all the stress of having my little baby starting kindergarten, yup I was going crazy. So I started thinking to myself how I wished so badly I could just runaway from all this madness.
So that's what I did.
I decided to pack up my girls and head for the beach. I was TERRIFIED to drive there on my own but I was that desperate to get away. 
It was a 6 hour drive to the beach in Connecticut. So worth it. It was exactly what I needed. Not only was I able to just get away with my babies for a bit but I gained so much confidence in myself knowing that I did it all on my own. The drive was probably the most relaxing part of the whole trip.
I was really kicking myself afterwards though that I wasn't out exploring from the beginning of this deployment. Probably would have saved me from a few breakdowns.







 Now I'm itching to go again!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

She Will Make a Fool of You All

I have way less self confidence then I will ever admit. I second guess my choices all the time. I'm way shy cause I'm terrified that someone wont like me because of who I really am. So if there is one good thing that has come out of my husband being deployed and living clear across the country from everyone that I know and being TOTALLY alone it would be that I have learned to love who I am and be confident in myself.

 I have learned to take care of not only myself but two other little individuals. If something a little crazy happens I know that I will be able to handle it. I believe in myself now. I make choices for myself without having to call my mom or my sister. I TRUST my choices.


I gotta say it feels SO good. I feel like I have finally grown up! Although I am still pretty shy but I am a million times better than I was.

I know I still have a lot to work on but I have come a long way.
I really hope that I am able to teach my girls to be confident and love who they are. I hope they are independent and don't feel like they have to have a man to lean on and take care of them. Of course I want them to meet the man of their dreams and get married and live happily ever after, I just hope that they will always have that reassurance that if anything happened they know they could take care of themselves.
 Hello I have been married since I was 17. I have had 2 jobs in my life that lasted about a month each.   I have always had someone taking care of me. Every now and then I think what if something happened where I was the one who had to go out and bring in the money to take care of my family? At first it absolutely terrified me. I wouldn't even know what to do, where to start. But I have become more and more confident in myself that maybe just maybe I could do it if I really tried. But it makes me very very thankful to have a husband who works his booty off so I don't have to do that.
I don't want to feel like I depend on my husband for everything. I have started becoming my own person and I like it. I really want to go back to school some day. Who knows when that will happen though. I like having babies to much.
I must say one of the best boost of self confidence is knowing a lot of people said I couldn't do it on my own and proving them wrong. We are 9 months in and I'm still kicking and so are my kids!
Well that's my random post for the day. WOO.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

we love daddy

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R&R

In April we got to experience the blessed R&R. Jordon was able to come home for a two week vacation.
It was pure heaven I tell ya.

Waiting for it to come I was SO nervous! Six months is a long time not to see your husband and I changed A LOT! Physically and emotionally. I did just give birth to a baby right before he left so physically I definitely wasn't the same. So I was pretty nervous to see how things were going to go.
We really really wanted to surprise Ellie so we never told her when daddy was coming home. It was so hard to keep my trap shut. About two days before he came home Ellie and I were driving in the car and Ellie said, "Mom, when is Daddy going to come home? I really miss him." I told her, "Sorry babe but dad wont be coming home for a while." Ellie started bawling, "He is NEVER coming home! NEVER! I just want daddy back!"
Ugh. It took everything I had not to spill the beans then and there.
When it was time to go to the airport I told her that we should go try something new and watch the airplanes take off at the airport. She was so excited. We even made a sign for the airplanes to see. Which actually read 'Welcome home daddy!'
We left a little early to get there on time and unfortunately it was the same time all the school buses were dropping off the kids from school so we got stuck in our neighborhood for a good 15 minutes. Jordon's flight also landed early so when we finally got to the airport we were walking into the entrance and as we were walking in Jordon was walking right past it so we basically ran into each other. He saw Ellie first and hurried and scooped her up. Ellie had no idea what was going on and had a face like 'who the heck is this guy that just picked me up?!' After a second of staring at his face Ellie says, "Daddy! What the heck are you doing here?!"

I was so so sad I didn't get the chance to record her reaction!! She was so happy after she finally realized that Daddy was actually home. She said it was the best surprise ever! After Jordon gave his lovies to Ellie he got to hold Nolah for the first time since she was 5 days old. He cried. I cried. We cry a lot.
Nolah wasn't to sure about him. But we didn't exactly ease her into it. We went home so the hubbs could take a nice long shower and then just had some snuggley family time.
 Besides when we were at church and out in public Nolah was never really around a male so she definitely didn't know what to think about this guy smothering her in kisses. The first day she did pretty good. The second and third day I think the newness of her dad kind of wore off and she really didn't want anything to do with him. It was so hard watching him just trying so hard to start a relationship with her. It absolutely broke my heart.
 But he didn't give up and he kept giving her lots of loves and singing to her and playing with her every second he could. After a few days she warmed up to him. She loved listening to him sing. She always stopped crying when he started singing. Jordon was better at putting her to sleep then I was!
OH my heart was about to burst every time I watched him with his girls. I know that will be something that I never take for granted again.
Ellie was in heaven. She did not leave him alone for even a second, and of course she was on her best behavior for her dad! She is a daddy's girl to the max. There is no denying it.

 We took it nice and easy for Jordon's R&R. We didn't go anywhere crazy or anything, just relaxed and enjoyed each others company. Did a few fun things here and there.
 For some reason Jordon got all cleaning and project crazy. He helped Ellie deep clean girl's room, finished a few projects, and he even let me sleep in a couple times and I woke up to a CLEAN kitchen.
 There is no greater present than that right there. Basically he made me fall in love with him all over again.

It made me feel bad every time he did something like that though since ya know this was his vacation from fighting a war and all.... So to re-pay him I fed that belly of his good. Jordon and I have a very strong love for delicious food. We ate non-stop. Before he came home I was doing the 30 day shred and eating super healthy. I even got under my pre-pregnancy weight. Well.. that all went out the window when he came home. It was worth it though.
R&R was just what we needed. We were able to remind each other why we are sticking this out. We were able to discuss all the issues we were having and fix them. It helped give us the motivation to finish this second half of the deployment. When he left it hurt like hell. I would definitely have to say saying goodbye the second time is the hardest.

They let you keep them just long enough to get use to them being around before they take them back again. Thankfully I anticipated it being hard on me and planned to leave for Utah 3 days after he left so I didn't exactly have time to sit and think about it. The ache was still there for sure. I just never gave myself the chance to let it over come me.
The good news is that when he left we were officially past the half way mark!!! HOORAY! Every day brings me one day closer to having my family back together!



Sunday, March 4, 2012

Contentment

I feel like every blog I'm going to write for the next 7ish months will start with 'THIS DEPLOYMENT' so if your sick of hearing about it then just stop reading now my friend cause here it goes...
THIS DEPLOYMENT has made me go through soo many different emotions. In the almost 5 months Jordon has been gone we have gone through so much stinkin crap then I ever expected us to go through. I have defiantly had days where I feel like I hit rock bottom and I have no idea how I am going to keep moving forward.
Now let me just add this in, its not just about my husband being away from home for a year and I just miss him. Like I said it has brought up so many emotions about so many things. My husband is my best friend. I know that if I am having a bad day I can always go to him and he would make it better, or if I'm just simply having an "I'm a hideous monster" day I could go to him and he would make me feel beautiful again. He was my band aide for everything. Now with him gone I don't have that anymore, and him telling me everything is going to be ok over the internet just isn't the same as him giving me a kiss and saying, "babe your gorgeous, don't stress over the little things, you got this." in person. My security blanket is gone I guess you could say. So when I start to be hard on myself I have to work through it on my own.
Does this make sense? This wasn't even what I wanted to blog about but whatever I'm going with it...
Anyways deployments are poopy for more reasons than just having to miss your husband.
But deployment aside, I am so happy with where my life is right now. Nope nothing in our lives is going perfect, we get pooped on a lot but  I KNOW that this is where we are suppose to be at right now, and that feels SO good. I like to tell myself that Jordon has to be deployed right now cause if he wasn't things just might actually be perfect and nothing is perfect right?
I try really hard to avoid blogging when I am having a bad day cause I would sit here and just complain complain complain and that can get annoying pretty quick.  I don't want to go back and read about my bad days I want to read about the days where I remembered to count my blessings. Maybe thats why I haven't blogged very much... HA.

But today I am feeling blessed so today I blogged.


OH yes to actually update on things that have happened in our lives.... I turned the big 22 on Thursday and it was a surprisingly awesome birthday. I was absolutely dreading it but I ended up really enjoying it.
Also my always amazing husband was promoted to Specialist. He works SO hard and it makes me unbelievably happy to see him get rewarded for his hard work. I am such a proud wife.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Long Time

Oh Hey
Its been awhile and I'm sad that I have neglected my blog so much. But let me be honest, I'm taking care of 2 crazy girls completely on my own. No No I am DEFIANTLY not looking for sympathy.
It gets pretty difficult to do anything that requires more than one hand. I could type up a blog with one hand but that would most likely take all day. Oooh I have so much to talk about but that would take about 3239875 blog posts to fully catch up so I am just gonna start with where I'm at today and what's on my mind now.

First thing, OH how I love my girls. I will sit and watch them and basically burst out in tears cause I love them SO much I don't even know what to do with it all.

Ellie is such a little adult. She recently started preschool and loves it so much. She goes 2 days a week for 2 hours. Oh those 2 hours are so heavenly.

 Ellie is such a smarty pants it sort of grosses me out.. haha Teasin I'm totally jealous of how dang fast she picks up on things.

Nolah. OH my goodness she is getting so big. She is now 4 months old. She is rolling all over the place and scoots around.

She is getting 2 teeth and they are kicking our trash. I can't have anything within arms reach of her or its GONE. She is pretty quick at the grabbing.

Nolah is so infatuated with Ellie. She could sit and watch her all day. It is the best thing in the world to watch them together. Nolah is just DYING to get up and run around with her big sissy.

When we found out we were pregnant with Nolah and would be having her around the same time Jordon was deploying, I was devastated and angry. I didn't want to have a baby then. I had a hard time accepting it at first. But now oh my gosh it is such a blessing that I had her when I did. She has kept me so busy and between her and Ellie's snuggles I hardly ever get a chance to sit and feel sorry for myself.

But of course I defiantly still have my hard times. I will get in a really good spot, have an awesome routine going, making good choices and for the most part really really happy with everything. And then I hit a wall and everything falls apart. Everything will just feel super yucky and it just feels like I'm drowning really and I have to pick up the pieces and start over again. I hit a pretty big wall recently but I'm getting myself back on track. Trying to anyways. The thing that has defiantly helped me the most through this is church.. Oh my goodness there are soo many amazing people in my ward. I have found myself really CRAVING the gospel. Like I haven't been able to get enough of it and I just wish I could go to church ever day. I know that is how I should always feel but I dont know it's just different now.. I like it though and I hope it stays this way.

We have had a lot of challenges through this deployment that I never ever expected that we would have. Its been tough for sure. But we are making it. Sometimes I don't even understand how I'm staying afloat but we are totally doing it.